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I am worth so much more than the lies he felt he had to tell.
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If I am busy and around people, I feel fine.
If I am alone and near my computer / my mother? maybe? I feel not fine.
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50’s dresses. Forever.
(via thingssheloves)
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One Thing.
The angrier I get, the easier it is not to hurt. Last night I talked to Erika about the feeling of betrayal beginning to creep into my bones. She didn’t want to admit how much she knew, but I know Christian couldn’t help but tell her and I know Tarun would be honest about his role in all of this. Painfully honest. She was supportive, encouraging me to focus on myself, and brimming with empathy and soft pity. I hate being that weak, but last night I needed to mourn.
As time wears on, I know that I need to get angry and stay angry in order to grow. I need to stop calling to hear his voice, asking for small favors, telling everyone that everything is okay. I need to be angry in order to be strong, because right now I’m spending every night breaking down slowly on my left and building up gradually on my right. It leaves me unleveled, and as I sleep I drop back to ground floor just to do it all over again once the sun rises. It’s no way to live.
I think about the late nights, and the car drives, and the little moments when we would look at each other across a room and I knew I was looking at my forever. At what point that dream began to dissolve, I cannot say. Because of all the dissent in my heart, I assumed I would be better than this. When I walked away from Marty and Cameron, I knew it was right. With Travis, it had to be done—I was completely in the right, and even though it hurt, righteous anger brought me through. But this, this drain of control, this instantaneous role reversal allowed for no time to gain footing. Everything was pulled out from underneath in a single moment, a single shaking breath, and single drop of a phrase.
“I’m okay now.”
“I don’t think I am.”
It’s funny—since the day that we met, you always said there would be no way you’d ever be the one to end this. You weren’t sure of much of anything but that. And now for the first time in my life, I’m sitting here heartbroken, out of control, and unsure if my life will ever truly go on. I can fake just about anything, given my childhood and my past, but the reality of the situation is that any moment I think too much, you creep right back into every inch of my heart and break me down all over again.
Every day I make the choice to let you go.
And every night, I grab hold and pull back, begging to relive our past one more time.
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Men + babies
(via rowenaslove)
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So today’s my birthday which means it’s supposed to be inherently awesome, and it was above average and all but now I miss him so badly I want to puke.
Mhm.
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Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.
– Proverbs 19:21 (via ptchyblscrbbls)(via rowenaslove)
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There is nothing wrong with loving the crap out of everything. Negative people find their walls. So never apologize for your enthusiasm. Never. Ever. Never.
–Ryan Adams (via thelindenbuzz)
Love this. Desperately.
(via rowenaslove)
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(via thingssheloves)
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Beautiful.
Typewriter Series #54 by Tyler Knott Gregson
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You don’t know what it means to love that way, do you? You think only of the same face for breakfast every day. I think of how wonderful her face is, how it changes every minute. I never see her twice the same way. I see only an infinity of adoration.
– Henry Miller (via thechocolatebrigade)(via rowenaslove)
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It is my deepest hope that someday, you will learn this.
(via rowenaslove)
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But I think it’s about forgiveness.
I don’t want to see my fraternity.
I don’t want to see my dog, or the fingerprints on the wall, or sunlight through the window hit the empty space where his dresser used to be.
I want the ache to end.
I want to hate him for doing this to me.
I want to stop loving him.
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(via thingssheloves)
